Many of my friends are fortunate to have been very successful in their lives. They have second homes, most of which seem to be in Florida. These folks go back and forth between north and south and every year we have to deal with invitations to come and see them in their winter homes. While this is an expression of kindness and hospitality and I am glad that folks want to have us visit, it puzzles me that logical explanations of why we are not coming to Florida. That winter or ever – well ever might be too long. It seems logical to me though:
1) I can see these folks in PA (one of them lives across the pond) or NJ anytime I want when they return from FL
2) I don’t have to schlep on an airplane, pay for a flight, pay for parking at the airport, pay for boarding my animals when I can see them in PA or NJ for free.
3) I have a job that sort of requires that I do some work in order to get paid.
4) If I take off time from work to go on vacation, FL is not my choice of where to go. I like to travel, but interstate travel with condos and strip malls on either side of me while driving does not trump overseas travel.
5) When I don’t go traveling overseas, I happen to like where I live. A lot. I spent a whole lot of years living in PUKE! Midland, Texas where I fit in about as much as a palm tree in Maine and I am exceedingly happy to be back on the East coast. I have friends here. I have season tickets to stuff. I can be in Philly in 50 minutes, New York City in 75 minutes and Washington in 2 hours by train. And I want to go to FL why? Warm? It’s damn hot here in July and August for when I need a heat fix --- AND I happen to like winter.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Motor mouths
Not that I am not annoying in some ways, which I readily acknowledge AND better yet that I am aware of and in control of much of the time. I know when I am being annoying and I can stop and start because I have that self-awareness. Sometimes I use my annoying-ness deliberately. But the issue is that self-awareness is there.
That kind of awareness seems to allude others. For example, there are a number of people whose friendship I value, but they have qualities that make being with them a mixed bag. Sort of a push-pull or approach-avoidance situation. These are speed-talkers with whom it’s hard to get in a word in when trying to have a conversation. There are times I feel like yelling, "Will you please JUST SHUT UP!"Example: One friend will give me every single little detail on the most mundane things or will tell me things that I already know how to do, or will tell me in excruciating detail about subjects I don’t care about, or about people I don’t know and will never meet. For instance, s/he can't just say there was a rude customer in front of her/him at the grocery store. S/he'll tell you just about everything that led up to her/him being in the grocery store-the time s/he woke up this morning, how s/he couldn't find her shoes, etc. Twenty minutes later s/he'll finally get to the story about the rude customer.Another example: Another friend. S/he talks and talks and talks and talks....You get the point. You can't break in to give your opinion or what/not because s/he's already on another topic. S/he'll call me up and starts talking about her/his problems right away with barely (if at all!) asking me how I am doing. Thirty minutes to an hour later, after my eyes have long glazed over, s/he’ll ask a question and because I’ve dissociated I have no idea how to answer.
Another example: Friend who is almost a narcissist. Everything is about him/her and how s/he is and what s/he has done – never bothers to ask what I have done. Talks about him/herself way too much and again, will have to give me every single little detail about everything. If I try to get a word in edgewise this person simply increases the decibel of speech or keeps going on and on and on right over what I have tried to say.
Worse yet, no amount of re-direction, changing the subject, or bluntly saying that I don’t care about John and his divorce and how much alimony he is paying and that his divorce is because he decided he was gay etc. etc. makes a whit of difference. And body language?? Forget about it. They are too busy blathering to even pick up on body language. I love these people but damn do they get annoying! All I feel that I ever say is "Yeah, uh-huh, ok" etc. I mean occasionally I get a few words in but only when I am rude. And then I get interrupted. There have been times I can put down the phone with these friends and go get a drink of water or go to the bathroom AND THEY ARE STILL TALKING!!!These friends will never asked about me, and I never get much of a chance to talk about myself. What I have with them is not a CONVERSATION, it is being TALKED AT. Sadly, these chat-aholics, not only don’t have any self-awareness, but because of their lack of response to cues and lack of self awareness tend to drive others away from them. A chatty person, more than likely always was & always will be because they need an audience to unload on. Maybe they're not capable of shared conversation, maybe they don't care. We can't expect them to include us, stop & take a breath & let us join in or spend any time asking about us if past experiences have shown this isn't the case. To think otherwise is folly. So I have to suck it up or lose friends. But, wow, do I feel depleted after I am with them.
That kind of awareness seems to allude others. For example, there are a number of people whose friendship I value, but they have qualities that make being with them a mixed bag. Sort of a push-pull or approach-avoidance situation. These are speed-talkers with whom it’s hard to get in a word in when trying to have a conversation. There are times I feel like yelling, "Will you please JUST SHUT UP!"Example: One friend will give me every single little detail on the most mundane things or will tell me things that I already know how to do, or will tell me in excruciating detail about subjects I don’t care about, or about people I don’t know and will never meet. For instance, s/he can't just say there was a rude customer in front of her/him at the grocery store. S/he'll tell you just about everything that led up to her/him being in the grocery store-the time s/he woke up this morning, how s/he couldn't find her shoes, etc. Twenty minutes later s/he'll finally get to the story about the rude customer.Another example: Another friend. S/he talks and talks and talks and talks....You get the point. You can't break in to give your opinion or what/not because s/he's already on another topic. S/he'll call me up and starts talking about her/his problems right away with barely (if at all!) asking me how I am doing. Thirty minutes to an hour later, after my eyes have long glazed over, s/he’ll ask a question and because I’ve dissociated I have no idea how to answer.
Another example: Friend who is almost a narcissist. Everything is about him/her and how s/he is and what s/he has done – never bothers to ask what I have done. Talks about him/herself way too much and again, will have to give me every single little detail about everything. If I try to get a word in edgewise this person simply increases the decibel of speech or keeps going on and on and on right over what I have tried to say.
Worse yet, no amount of re-direction, changing the subject, or bluntly saying that I don’t care about John and his divorce and how much alimony he is paying and that his divorce is because he decided he was gay etc. etc. makes a whit of difference. And body language?? Forget about it. They are too busy blathering to even pick up on body language. I love these people but damn do they get annoying! All I feel that I ever say is "Yeah, uh-huh, ok" etc. I mean occasionally I get a few words in but only when I am rude. And then I get interrupted. There have been times I can put down the phone with these friends and go get a drink of water or go to the bathroom AND THEY ARE STILL TALKING!!!These friends will never asked about me, and I never get much of a chance to talk about myself. What I have with them is not a CONVERSATION, it is being TALKED AT. Sadly, these chat-aholics, not only don’t have any self-awareness, but because of their lack of response to cues and lack of self awareness tend to drive others away from them. A chatty person, more than likely always was & always will be because they need an audience to unload on. Maybe they're not capable of shared conversation, maybe they don't care. We can't expect them to include us, stop & take a breath & let us join in or spend any time asking about us if past experiences have shown this isn't the case. To think otherwise is folly. So I have to suck it up or lose friends. But, wow, do I feel depleted after I am with them.
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